The Jarvis Nebulae Files - Part Three (other parts to follow)

© Duncan Wheeler 1997-2007

Have you ever wondered where possums sleep during the day? I mean, this is a country with really thin trees with really small leaves and somehow there are thousands of fat furry brown things the size of petrol cans supposedly hanging off these supermodel- proportioned trees during broad daylight, which by the way is some of the brightest daylight in the world. And nobody sees them. Let me ask you one thing - have YOU ever seen them during the daylight? So where do they go? That's a very good question.

Since visiting my local government department who told me, "well, they're just very good at hiding", I believe I have uncovered a conspiracy regarding the whereabouts of these oversized rats during our normal working hours. Upon hearing the ridiculous suggestion of an animal being very good at hiding (how can you hide when you look like a giant meatball with fur?) I immediately set to the public library where I found some interesting pictures. I don't know why they have pictures of men feeling naked women's breasts in books on art, but it sure makes interesting reading. I found it quite difficult to remain focussed on the task at hand, especially as the lady sitting in front of me was wearing nothing but clothes. Eventually I forced myself to find the Little Furry Creatures Section, which by happenstance was exactly next to the books on artistic voyeurism. That's quite strange really, but I immediately found the pictures of the little creatures quite appealing.

Very soon, however, after looking at photo after photo of terribly frightened and sickeningly cute wide-eyed fuzzballs, I had to fight the rising feeling of revulsion. It was all the more abhorrent as I thought about how well these seemingly harmless, helpless creatures were exploiting the well-known human tendency to anthropomorphise cuddly critters. It was the ideal cover for a race of UTUFO-flying interlopers. Yes, my theory as I see it now is undeniable and incontrovertible but of course, as with all theories, unprovable.

Let me explain piece-by-piece the elements of my theory: You want to know where they go during the daytime? The little poo-coloured monsters go underground, like poo, and don1t come out until they see the dark, the opposite of poo. Ever wondered why their eyes are red? Because, my friends their eyes are not really eyes, they are infrared remote controls for the security systems on their flying vehicles. Now, to address the problem of them flying underground, well don1t you see, it all makes sense now - I have seen a UTUFO myself, with my own eyes, on the underground express route. Ah, there1s no denying it! I'm onto something, alright.

Call me Jarvis: P.I., or Jarvis: poet laureate...perhaps Jarvis: living legend, but just call me, WOMEN, please just... no, I mustn1t beg... Look, baby, if you think I'm somewhat of a genius trapped inside a gorgeously understated body, just, you know, c'mon over and, well, I'll come on over too. Aw, I know, honey... just try and calm down... take those clothes off slowly.. we've got all night then, well I gotta do what a man's gotta do, with another chick in the South of France...yeah...look I'm sorry, HEY !? oh, no, don't go...no! I was just, talking to myself, no pretty lady, please don't turn into a fat furry creature and start climbing a tree , no ..no ..no .....NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn those bloody creatures! They're starting to really intrude, messing with my mind like that in my most private James Bond fantasies. Well, I'll have to try the Scully and Mulder fantasy then:

Look Mulder! He's spouting black gelatinous liquid from his eyes!

You want to know what I think?

You're not going to tell me that it's the leftover of an alien rock from a meteorite that crashed into the earth 60 million years ago during the Jurassic period and annihilated the entire dinosaur species, and thereafter led to the creation of a cross-species of possessed humans who were, with the advent of advanced genetic tinkering this century, improperly cloned in an attempt to discover how to make a photosynthesising humanoid-alien breed in case we run out of food on planet earth?

No Scully, I was going to say, oh how beautiful you look in that close-fitting grey cloth suit today.

Oh Mulder, why do you tease me, when you know I...

Shut up and take your clothes off Scully, you little sex-pot.

Oh Mulder, why...

Cmon, babe, every other woman in the world would die to see me in those red speedos again, so why don't I just take off my trousers, matter of fact - I've got my red beauties on right now - wanna see?

Oh Mulder, I...think you're undergoing some sort of transformation...

You bet I am sugar...

No, you're turning all small and furry

Now, that's not nice, Scully...

No, really! Look in the mirror - it's...uugghh, it's horrible!!!!!!

God damn it even this no-fail fantasy isn't working...I .......j.........just ......can't make it work.......ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have decided to dedicate my life to uncovering those UTUFOs. No matter where they go I WILL find them, and they can be sure, that when they decide to unleash thousands of small forest animals upon the cities, I Jarvis, KNOW ABOUT THEM! Forewarned is forarmed, suckers!!

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